“Submission” Teachings and Power Dynamics

When Obedience is Masked as Holiness

For many of us raised in high-control religious groups, the word submission wasn’t neutral — it was weaponized.

It meant giving up your voice.
It meant surrendering your autonomy.
And most of all, it meant knowing your “place.”

But who does that actually serve?

Let’s unpack the power structures hiding behind this doctrine.

What “Submission” Was Supposed to Mean

In churches like the UPCI and others like it, submission was taught as:

• A wife’s duty to her husband

• A believer’s duty to church authority

• A child’s duty to parents

• A follower’s duty to God (via leadership)

You were told that submission was:

• Spiritual protection

• Evidence of humility

• God’s divine order

But if you ever questioned, pushed back, or said “no”?
Suddenly, you were rebellious. Jezebelic. Dangerous.

What Submission Actually Looked Like

Let’s call it what it was:

One-sided obedience.
Power without accountability.
Silencing of autonomy — especially for women.

In practice, “submission” became a system where:

• Pastors couldn’t be questioned

• Husbands had unchecked control

• Wives were blamed for abuse

• Disagreement was framed as spiritual failure

And the worst part?
They told you this was love.

The Psychology of Control

“Submission” teachings are textbook examples of coercive control, a hallmark of abusive systems.

These doctrines:

• Encourage people to suppress their instincts

• Justify unequal treatment with spiritual language

• Turn obedience into a moral obligation

• Create fear around independence

It’s the same tactic used in cults, toxic workplaces, and abusive relationships.

They don’t want you to think for yourself.
They want you to obey — and call it godliness.

“Mutual Submission” or Just Lip Service?

Sometimes people try to soften the blow with ideas like “mutual submission.”

But in churches that still teach:

• Male headship

• Pastoral authority

• Wifely obedience

• Gendered roles

…there is no mutuality.

Only hierarchy.

True mutuality cannot exist where one party is told they were created to lead, and the other was created to follow.

What This Does to Survivors

If you were raised under these teachings, you may still:

• Struggle to speak up in relationships

• Feel guilty when you assert boundaries

• Equate disagreement with betrayal

• Minimize your own needs or desires

These are not personality traits.
They are trauma responses to conditioning.

And they are not your fault.

You Don’t Have to Submit to Be Safe

Let’s flip the script.

• Saying “no” is not rebellion — it’s sovereignty.

• Asking questions is not disobedience — it’s discernment.

• Wanting equality is not pride — it’s human dignity.

You are not “out of order.”
You are reclaiming your power.

You Deserve Equitable Relationships

In spiritual spaces.
In families.
In marriages.
In friendships.

Obedience is not love.
Silence is not respect.
Control is not protection.

You are allowed to choose connection, not coercion.

And you are allowed to walk away from anything that demands your submission in exchange for safety, love, or belonging.

🖤 Need support unpacking this? Join the conversation in our community threads or visit our section on Healing From Spiritual Abuse.

You are not broken.
You were just controlled.

And you don’t have to live that way anymore.