SPOT THE MANIPULATION – MONDAY: “Don’t Ask Questions” (Copy)
“You can ask questions… as long as you already know the right answers.”
If you grew up in a high-control religious environment like the UPCI, you probably heard that you were encouraged to ask questions. But if you ever dared to raise one that poked a hole in the doctrine, or showed real doubt, you know how fast that invitation disappeared.
This tactic is called the illusion of inquiry. It gives the appearance of openness while making sure obedience stays intact. It keeps you doubting yourself instead of the system.
The Lie of “Safe” Questions
On the surface, questions were allowed. But only the kind that supported the message.
You could ask what a verse meant, as long as you accepted the pastor’s answer.
You could ask about the Trinity, but only if you were ready to say it was false.
You could ask why the church taught modesty, but questioning the rule itself made you "rebellious."
Questions that echoed the message were praised as "good curiosity." Questions that challenged it were framed as pride, sin, or having a “Jezebel spirit.”
You learned that even curiosity had to serve the agenda. Anything else was labeled as dangerous.
How This Played Out in a Cult Setting
In churches like the UPCI:
Bible studies were "interactive" but never exploratory.
Sunday school encouraged questions, but only ones that led to the right answer.
If you asked about other denominations or historical contradictions, you were called deceived.
Pastors were the "final authority," and questioning them meant questioning God.
You figured out which questions were safe and which were spiritual landmines. You started asking, “Is it okay to wonder about this?” instead of just wondering. Even your thoughts had to submit.
How It Shows Up in Relationships
In toxic relationships, it sounds like:
"You can tell me anything," followed by anger when you actually do.
You’re told to "communicate," but your concerns get twisted or ignored.
You stop asking about things that feel off, because it always turns into a fight.
Eventually, you stop speaking up at all. You teach yourself not to ask.
How It Shows Up at Work
Your boss has an "open door" policy, but anyone who shares honest feedback gets pushed out.
You’re told to share ideas, but anything critical gets labeled "not being a team player."
You stop raising concerns, even when something feels wrong.
At work, this manipulation hides behind the language of professionalism and “culture fit.”
How Manipulators Use It in Everyday Life
Controlling people will:
Call your curiosity an "attack."
Say things like “Why don’t you trust me?” to shut you down.
Deflect or over-explain until you’re too exhausted to keep asking.
Accuse you of overthinking just because you’re paying attention.
This tactic is so dangerous because it teaches you to silence your own intuition. You start doubting yourself more than you doubt them.
How to Heal: Reclaim the Right to Ask
Start with these small steps:
Notice when you stop yourself from asking something. What are you afraid will happen?
Make a list of questions you were never allowed to ask. Let them exist without needing to resolve them right away.
Practice asking “why” again. In writing. Out loud. With safe people.
Remind yourself often that curiosity is not disobedience. It’s a sign of life.
Final Thought
Manipulation doesn’t always scream. Sometimes it smiles and says, “Let’s not talk about that.”
But you deserve to talk about that. You deserve to ask hard questions and not be punished for it. You deserve to be curious without being called dangerous.
Ask anyway. Keep unlearning. You're not wrong for wanting to know more.